


Surfacing

by amethyst-noir (Arbonne)



Series: In This Waking Life [1]
Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Cloak of Levitation (Marvel), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Tony Takes Care of Stephen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-14 03:58:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16485497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arbonne/pseuds/amethyst-noir
Summary: "It's not about me."Tony doesn't approve of Stephen's mantra. After Thanos he's determined to get to know Stephen better and get him out of the downwards spiral he's caught in.





	Surfacing

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first stage of their relationship, followed by _Home_ and _Devotion_ which got a surprise Sequel with _Elysium for the Brave_. Which made the planned trilogy a tetralogy. Oops. I fully realize that the stories are pretty similar, but I follow the "write what you want to read" advice that always gets thrown around and well… I love the _Tony taking care of Stephen_ trope and so I will continue writing it. (Also, I started this little thing around June when I hadn't written a lot of the stuff I've posted in the meantime. Some of the things you might associate with my writing by now originated in this story and spilled over into the newer ones.)

"It's not about me."

The whispered words where barely audible but Tony caught them and frowned. "What?", he asked, a little bit sharper than intended. He didn't regret it in the slightest when Stephen looked up from his ancient book of even more ancient mysteries of the mysterious. And the tablet he had floating above it.

"Tony?"

For a moment he was tempted to ignore everything else and to concentrate on Stephens elegant hands holding the book. God, his _hands_! And what Tony had imagined they could do. What they _had_ done for him. His thoughts drifted a little but then the book snapped shut by itself and sat down on the table while the tablet floated gently down to the couch. The hands vanished beneath the Cloak, which had drawn protectively around its owner. Stephen frowned at him. "What are you doing here?"

He choose to ignore that. Besides, there were in _his_ house and Stephen and his cloak where guests here while the Sanctum was closed for some ritual cleansing or whatever Wong had told Stephen to get him out of the mausoleum for a few hours. "What's not about you? Because let me tell you: Judging from your face right now it _is_ about you. In a major way."

"It's just…" Stephen paused and looked away. But the tablet picket itself up and floated into Tony's waiting hands. "Nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing to me," Tony said gently after a quick scan of the article. Something medical and sciencey and hold on, he could remember Bruce talking about something like that when they were working on Ultron. "Isn't that your technique?"

"It's something I was working, yes. But it wasn't refined for widespread use when I had my accident and after that I had… other priorities." Stephen stayed completely still but Tony could feel the tension in his body. His hands were still hidden. Tony braved the last two steps between them and dared to sit beside him. "And now somebody else has an almost identical approach and it works and…" Stephen's voice faded into nothing and the Cloak's hold around him got even tighter. "I thought this was going to be my legacy in this world," he finally admitted.

_But instead you're a fucking sorcerer who can do a ton of cool magic shit._ Tony was tempted to say comforting words but remembered how he felt when he was praised for all the wrong things and reasons. And any bullshit that it didn't matter from whom it came from when it helped people was exactly that, bullshit.

"Sorry," he finally said. It was painfully inadequate and the cringed from himself but what was done was done. "I know it doesn't help, but I'm sure without your groundwork this couldn't have happened. At least not right now." Shit, now he was spouting useless platitudes despite his best intentions. He quickly scanned the article again, tapped on a link and held the tablet under Stephen's nose. "Here, it even says your name." He was useless at this encouragement thing.

Stephen snorted. "A footnote. How wonderful. That's what I have been studying for years and worked myself nearly to death for. Still, I guess everyone gets what he deserves in the end." As if on cue the Cloak drew itself back so that Tony could see the fading bruises around his neck where someone - or _something_ \- had tried to strangle him only a few days ago. And thanks to the sentient fabric he could also see how tightly Stephen held on to his own hands. The grip was so tight that it must hurt even with healthy hands - he couldn't imagine how bad it must be for Stephen. Not that you could see any of that on his face. He didn't even seem to notice that his clothing had abandoned him. "Considering everything I think I got lucky."

_Lucky? To have shattered hands and constant pain? And the biggest case of survivors guilt I have ever seen besides my own?_ Tony snorted. "That's not luck. That's the second chance everyone apparently deserves. Even I got one or two so why shouldn't you? We just fucked up so bad before that we got ours only with conditions." He didn't really think that Stephen did deserve any of this, of course, but he knew the other man well enough to know that anything more positive would only get him scorn and a snarky comeback. And as much as he loved Stephen's snarky comebacks he really wanted to help him out of this black mood.

The conversation made his own little problem wake up - his left shoulder and arm started to hurt suddenly and without reason but he ignored it with the help of long practice. Instead he concentrated on Stephen's death grip. _Just do it_ , he encouraged himself. _Just touch him like you wanted to do since the moment you first saw him outside of a life-and-death situation._ Mentally throwing all the baggage and the reasons not to do it overboard he reached out and gently laid his hands atop of Stephen's. He could feel them shaking, despite the iron control Stephen was enforcing over his whole body to stay completely still. 

Stephen looked up in surprise but didn't protest when Tony stroked over his fingers. He could feel the metal under the skin, holding everything together. Suddenly he had to fight back tears. "Let go", he whispered. "If you need to hold on to something take my hands. You can squeeze all you want, I can take it. Just don't hurt yourself on purpose, please." Stephen gave him the most piercing look he had ever been on the receiving end on. Tony could almost _feel_ the thoughts that ran through his head. After a moment Stephen gave in and let his hands relax. Still holding his eyes Tony took the trembling hands between his own, making sure that Stephen's hands couldn't touch each other. "Squeeze", he ordered softly. "As hard as you can without causing yourself too much pain." Stephen didn't, as if he was afraid to hurt Tony. Good.

He looked at the red spots around Stephen's right wrist. _That's going to bruise. Badly._ He swallowed. Was Stephen even supposed to have enough strength in his hands to bruise himself? Wong had been right to be concerned, Stephen was on a downward spiral ever since he had come back to the land of the living. Self-harm through negligence, taking too many risks and not giving himself time to heal, both mentally and physically. "I know I don't have any say in this but I hate seeing you hurt. And it breaks my heart to see you doing it to yourself."

It also broke Wong's heart which was the main reason why he had asked - almost begged - Tony to take the sorcerer for a day and try to cheer him up. _Get him out of here and only bring him back when he's not a danger to himself and me, anymore_ , had been his exact words.

"It's none of your…" Stephen didn't finish but gave an ugly, short laugh. "Wong put you up to this, didn't he?" He sighed. "I'm sorry. Sometimes I regress back to the asshole that I used to be and it's not pretty. I know that I've not been the nicest person lately but it's hard to believe that Wong foisted me off on _you_. You deserve better company than an embittered ex-surgeon with regrets."

He tried to free his hands but Tony held on. Maybe a little bit tighter than he should have but Tony didn't really care since Stephen didn't seem to have any problems hurting himself. "Squeeze", he said again. "Get it out of your system and then we'll talk. And you're not an ex-anything. Just because your hands don't allow you to do surgeries anymore doesn't mean you've stopped being a doctor. May I remind you that it was you who put me back together after Thanos was finished with me?"

Stephen grimaced at the memory but he didn't try to strangle the life out of Tony's hands. Success! Tony was proud of his strategy. "That was first-aid in the middle of a battle. Hardly comparable to neurosurgery."

"I would have lost my _arm_ without your training and your skills. You kept everything together until I was in hospital and then you stayed there overseeing the surgery to repair the nerves and make sure that this," he moved his left shoulder up and down, "not only stayed attached but has almost normal functionality." As if to proof the point he squeezed Stephen's hand with considerable force and tried for some levity. "You're my hero, Doctor Strange." He even dared to bat his eyelashes a little bit.

Stephen rewarded him with a smile, his dark mood lifting a little bit. Tony took whatever victory he could get.

"I just wish I could still do that whenever I want," he finally said softly. "I miss it. I thought I was okay with having lost that part of my life but after saving you… I want it back, Tony." He tried to get his hands out of Tony's grip but he held on. The Cloak settled over both their hands and enveloped them in warmth. Since Stephen's hands were far too cool Tony appreciated it very much. "And to make matters worse - I want the magic, too. I want everything. Medicine and science and magic; my new life and my old. I'm too greedy but I can't help myself!" While he'd started in a whisper his voice had gotten louder with every word and the last part was practically shouted. As soon as he'd finished he visibly deflated, making himself smaller, and averted Tony's eyes. "I'm sorry." _I still haven't learned. It's not about me_ , Tony heard again and he just couldn't stand this depressed, defeated version of the man he'd gotten to know as one of the strongest and best people he'd ever met.

"For what? Being human? Having feelings? For maybe not being as fine as you think you are?" Tony was beginning to understand Wong's frustration but the was determined to get through to Stephen. "Of course you want your old life back. A career, money, no worries - do you really think I never think about my before? Before the armor, before I got a heart full of shrapnel and a head full of regrets? Before the chronic pain, before the nightmares and the constant worry about the whole damn planet?" Where Stephen had gotten louder Tony had been the opposite. But at least his whisper got Stephen to look at him again. "We can't go back, Stephen, not even with your shiny jewelry as you so often pointed out to me. The only thing we can do is to live with our regrets. And I really shouldn't have to tell you this, since you're old and wise enough to know that, my dear." The endearment had slipped out unplanned and Tony froze for a moment. He relaxed when Stephen didn't seem to notice.

Instead he gave a shaky smile. "I guess I needed a reminder. The last couple of… it doesn't matter. It's been bad. I forgot a lot of stuff I learned before." The Cloak drew itself back and he carefully disentangled their hands. "Maybe Wong was right and I really needed a time-out. Another perspective. Thank you, Tony."

He stood up, as if ready to depart back to the Sanctum. Tony wasn't willing to let him got that easily. He had Wong's permission to keep him here for a while and he was determined to use the time. Stephen had been too flighty and way too busy ever since he came back and Tony just wanted to spent some time with the guy. Get to know him even better.

Intellectual equals didn't come easy when you were Tony Stark and he wanted to keep them around. Especially when they were also sarcastic, fun and very nice to look at.

"Stay," he said and nothing more. The trusted in the power of his puppy-eyes; a force of nature most people didn't seem to able to resist. Stephen visibly wavered but wasn't quite convinced, yet. Time for the big guns. "I'll order dinner and we can talk. Or I talk and you can either listen or zone out and meditate. Whatever."

Stephen smiled at that. "Don't leave the depressed person alone or they might hurt themselves. I can assure you that I don't have any plans in that direction." He didn't deny being depressed, Tony noted. But he sat down again and relaxed at little. Tony gave an internal sigh of relief and felt some of his own tension leave.

"Good to know. But actually I just enjoy your company and don't want to be alone tonight." It was the truth, just not all of it. The penthouse was lonely, yes, but he was used to non-human company and always found something to occupy his time. "So, food first? And then we'll see where the night takes us, okay?"

Stephen nodded his acquiescence and settled back onto the couch. The fact that the Cloak left him and went over to the TV to investigate something seemed to mean that he'd settled in for a while. Tony was ecstatic and tried not to show it too much. He wanted to bounce like a child, he wanted to laugh - he couldn't remember the last time he'd been this happy. "Great!"

Some of his enthusiasm must have slipped through because Stephen looked at him oddly. "I didn't know you enjoy my company so much."

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me, Doctor Strange." He couldn't resist a wink. "Yet."

He'd keep Stephen here for as long as possible - food and the chance to talk to someone who understood would be good for both of them. Maybe Tony could even interest him in one or two of his projects; there were some that could really benefit from the input of the neurosurgeon.

Maybe - hopefully - it could benefit them personally, as well.

**Author's Note:**

> This is chronologically the first of the series but for a lot of reasons the last one to be posted. I wanted to give them a nice timeline with communication and a long and happy life. You know, everything Stephen and Tony deserve a hundred times over.


End file.
